Vulnerable reflection on building a Christian relationship with God as a tech entrepreneur: the most important decision of my life
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” — Jeremiah 29:11
This is definitely a bit of a different post from my usual long-form business analysis. However, in the spirit of the journey of vulnerability I’ve had to go through throughout this year culminating in my decision to take on my own entrepreneurial journey (I’ll touch upon this later) — I wanted to share about a personal transformation occurring this year that has completely change the way I view and tackle life: and that’s my renewed relationship with God.
For those of you who might only know me professionally: my personal life in 2023 has been through a tumultuous, crazy, completely unexpected rollercoaster of highs and lows. It’s been nothing I could have ever envisioned at the start of the year, and these life events have completely altered my perspective and approach to life. On the crazier side, there was heartbreak, death, anxiety, fear as backdrops throughout the entire year. I remember at parts of the year getting up in the morning, getting into the shower and shouting out of despair. December alone was intense beyond belief. Originally, I had thought it would *only* comprise of pre-seed fundraising for my business (ironically, this should be hard enough on its own). Turns out life had other personal plans which completely shocked my heart and made me unable to sleep most nights, and feel deep anxiety and pain throughout the day. Yeah, pretty insane stuff.
But on the very bright side: my life direction has been fully transformed through faith in God. I’ve realized that my life is nothing without God, and that he is guiding my life in ways I cannot even imagine using the mere intelligence of humanity. In Job 38, a good man previously who had all the “good things” life had to offer, was tested by God, stripped of many things (falling deeply ill, his family dying, deserted by those closest to him), and cried out in deep pain against God. “Why me?” — he cried. In response, God cried out:
16 “Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea
or walked in the recesses of the deep?
17 Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness?
18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?
Tell me, if you know all this.
As much as we try to control our fate, deep suffering and chaos will come. I was heartened by a sharing of a fellow disciple who spent the past three years battling intense cancer — on the brink of death multiple times. She was so afraid, but decided to turn to God and surrender the outcome of her life to God — filling with courage and a sense of true peace. In a conversation with her mom who was still in disbelief and shock, she pushed her mom to surrender as well: “Mom, whatever happens, please surrender my life to God’s hands.” She’s now healed, and her story and courage remains as motivation and guidance to those facing similar battles.
Knowing that God has a beautiful picture painted of our future, with plans to prosper, give us hope, and a future, with everything coming together intimately in ways we cannot even comprehend — that’s been my deepest realization this year. All of this has come through deep reflection, and amazement at God’s involvement throughout my entire life: protecting and guiding me through everything. For all intents and purposes, a guy like me who grew up an in an emotionally unstable household, feeling deeply insecure about my self worth when I was younger, not being the most accomplished in any way: the world would think I would grow up to be mediocre. But no, God had a full, amazing purpose in my life. God has given me the skills to lead — not just professionally, but also in my personal life with my family. God has given me a sense of relentless optimism and resilience that I take with me in everything I do. God has given me an intellectual capability to translate my thoughts into written words that people can resonate and gain from. All of my challenges and pains were directed for a reason.
And so reflecting on all of this, I’ve decided to follow God. I’m getting baptized at the start of next year, and I’m walking into God’s kingdom with deep and full conviction at his plans for me. I wrote this reflection as both a personal reminder of my conviction with God, as well as a note for all those who are seeking God as well. I can promise you that it’s the best thing to ever happen to me.
My past: a life of pain & suffering without God
It would be impossible to go through my conviction with God without explaining my history, how I came to be: the pain, suffering, and hardships of my past.
I was born in Jakarta, and moved to Singapore when I was nine years old. My younger sister (six years my junior) had an ailment called chronic vomiting syndrome — causing her to vomit up to 30 times a day at its worst during her “attacks”, of which could come on a weekly basis when she was young. Our family made the move to Singapore in order to help her with better medical facilities. My mom was our full-time caretaker, while my dad was still working out of Indonesia and traveling to Singapore during the weekends.
It was not an ideal setup, but the best one that they made out of the necessity of the situation. Due to the physical separation, one could imagine that intimacy between parents starts to dissipate — in small, barely noticeable ways in the beginning, and growing into bigger and bigger gaps over time. Children are more perceptive than one would estimate. I remember so distinctly a memory when I was in fourth grade, still living in our first apartment Scotts 28, when I remember my mom wishing me and my dad off (to school and back to Jakarta respectively): them departing with a gentle kiss goodbye. Fast forward even a couple years later, and this intimacy was gone. My parents grew more and more distant, and fights became more frequent to the point where I would expect an explosion of anger on a weekly basis. The household was not an emotionally safe place. My parents finally divorced when I was eighteen, my first year of college. It was a destructive time: one of intense grief, feelings of betrayal, pain, anger, and depression.
Now that I’m older, I’m able to extend forgiveness and process my feelings of these times in a more mature way: realizing that my parents were not perfect and that it is impossible to cast blame on anyone for the circumstances. But during those times, there was intense instability and fear that I felt constantly. I remember asking my church leaders on a near weekly basis: “When are my parents going to divorce?”. I observed and experienced memories in my childhood that were deeply painful and scary. One vivid memory is just being in a dark room: scared to move an inch, in complete fear, just breathing and praying everything would be OK.
At the same time, I grew up also feeling deeply personally insecure (a story I’ll touch in the next section) which made it extremely difficult for me to be vulnerable and fully let out my emotions in a healthy way. In many ways, I felt alone and abandoned. There was an especially dark moment I remember when I was in middle school that I searched up on Google on whether it was possible to take my own life. Many of these feelings of deep sadness and pain I’ve addressed — but it was so scary in the moment.
When my parents finally divorced, and I had left to the US for college, I remember unleashing all of my deep-seated resentment out to the world. I was so incredibly angry and resentful at everything. My anger resembled Job when he was first afflicted with deep resentment and pain at God’s test in Job 10:
“I loathe my very life;
therefore I will give free rein to my complaint
and speak out in the bitterness of my soul.
2 I say to God: Do not declare me guilty,
but tell me what charges you have against me.
3 Does it please you to oppress me,
to spurn the work of your hands,
while you smile on the plans of the wicked?
“Why me!?” I cried out in my own mind. I found it difficult to be there for my family, even my Mom after the divorce when she was at a state of deep distress. I found it so difficult to trust others and form deep, committed relationships. I could not bring myself to go to church anymore despite having been baptized when I was younger — at one point even telling others I was not Christian anymore, or that I didn’t even believe in God. I was resentful and could not ever relish control to anyone else. I was the master of my own fate. I lived only for myself, as I could trust no one else. Having found a state of strength in myself (which I’ll explain in the next section) — I grew to believe that I alone had the power to control my own destiny and happiness.
My plan when I was in college was simple: having hatred towards my past, I always told people that I would never go back to Asia. I would stay in the US after college, and completely remove myself from family (but obviously God had other plans).
If I were to follow life by my own control and leading through my own resentment, my outcome would most likely be that I stayed in the US, removing myself from the past completely, and still holding deep resentment to this day. In fact, in many ways, I probably would have been in a much worse state. However, one of the biggest realizations is that God has protected and guided me so deeply: guiding me to places I would have never imagined only a few years back by my own imaginations.
God is my protector, my shield, and my path
7Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. — 2 Corinthians
Throughout the deepest hardships, one of the deepest convictions I’ve felt deeply is that God has provided me the tools to always overcome the darkness. He’s protected me in ways I could only imagine when looking back — but in the moment could never have predicted.
The first most obvious one is that despite my family’s hardship, God still had provided our family with emotional care and financial stability. I never had to worry about food on the table or having to worry about not being my family not providing the best education for me. I was protected in this regard.
As I mentioned previously, I grew up with feelings of deep personal insecurity. Due to the stress at home, I grew deeply unhealthy habits when I was younger: locking myself in my room for hours, not sleeping to play video games — fantasy worlds where I could just tune out and forget. As a result of these unhealthy habits, I became overweight and also grew to have severe cystic acne. I was extremely insecure about my physical self, which was a self-perpetuating cycle that made me draw more and more inwards to my video games. This was my middle school reality.
Even when I entered high school, I found it a challenge to find myself. I was an OK student, but I was not the best student. I tried academic clubs like Model UN or Debate, but it was obvious that I was far from being the best, nor did I have the motivation to get to that level. I would have to settle for mediocrity. The moment of deepest insecurity came when I attempted to tryout for the junior-varsity badminton team. I had trained for 3 months, utilizing a coach to improve my skills, only to be the last person cut from the team during tryouts. I felt so worthless. What was I good for? I was a mediocre student, a terrible athlete, and did not have any skills that I was proud of. Combined with my situation at home, everything felt meaningless.
But God is good. On the very last days of my freshman year of high school, a friend I’ll be eternally grateful for named Shiv told me that I should tryout for the Cross Country running team. In order to get into the team on a JV-level, I had to run a mile in less than 6 minutes and 30 seconds. The tryouts would be in the beginning of the following school year. For someone who previously only had a mile time of 9 minutes previous to this — it seemed unimaginable. But Shiv told me that it was possible. I just had to train, and run every day during the summer.
At a state where I was close to giving up hope, I listened to Shiv in a last-ditch effort to try. Every single day, I woke up, went to the gym at my apartment, and ran. It started with 3KMs and grew to 8KMs by the end of the summer. I felt myself getting fitter and fitter, but it was still a long shot. I had no idea how to train, I was just following what I thought was reasonable.
I remember the tryouts extremely vividly. The deep anxiety I had prior to the “race of my life”. Did I have what it took? The tryouts consisted of existing team members doing a “workout” (4 sets of mile repeats), while I was only going to do a single one all out. The tryouts began, and I quickly trailed behind the pack. I was in so much pain, but I tried to hang on to the last person that was on the existing team I could notice. Nothing mattered more to me than to make the team. Gritting through the pain, I finished the tryout with a mile time of 6 minutes and 27 seconds. I made the team. I remember going up to Shiv and tearing up: “Dude, this is the first thing I’ve ever made for myself.” It was a state of pure bliss. I felt that I had finally accomplished something of note, despite just having crossed under the line and being the slowest runner on the team at that time. I was proud of myself. I remember never wanting to take this for granted ever.
Over the next few weeks, as I trained with the team, a teammate named Michael Ongko was sharing a story during an optional weekend run: “I only started running two years ago, and now I’m one of the best on the team. The people who work hard, who do all these weekend runs. That’s an edge they have. Most people are lazy.” His words stuck to me like glue. I would never, ever forget them. I internalized that day that I would reach Michael’s level. That I would go from the slowest on the team to one of the best. I might not have the talent nor the experience, but I would work with everything I had.
6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your[a] faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. — Romans 12
At my weakest, at the moment where life at home was at its worst and at the time when I had my biggest insecurities, God dragged me out and saved me. He gave me the platform that taught me that my life was not worthless. Through running, I discovered so much about myself. Over the next few years, I realized that I naturally had a work ethic that was unable to be outmatched by near anybody. I ran 100-110+ miles per week during my summer, training two or even three times a day some days. I built an off-season training club and learnt that I was a powerful leader and motivator — giving me a sense of purpose even beyond running itself. At the end of it, what was not important was that I was one of the best, but that I had finally “found” myself. Life suddenly made so much more sense. I knew what I was built for. I completely shed away my insecurities, even being able to say: “I don’t care what people think about me”. I was in my own lane.
Now this feeling of confidence was not all good. It resulted in an ego that made me, in the deep feelings of resentment post my family’s divorce, feel that I should just take full control over everything in my life. My happiness was only in my own hands. Little did I know that this was not the truth, but the takeaway still remained. God protected and guided me. In a way that was completely impossible to myself in freshman year.
During my time in college, God also protected me in ways that I can only look back now and appreciate. He gave me healthy friends and mentors who enabled me to share my deepest vulnerabilities and to navigate my insecurities in an open way — people like Robby, Kevin, Grant. He provided a fervor for educational equity, which gave me a sense of mission that I directed myself to through efforts like Teach for America, volunteering in Chicago Public Schools during my free time.
God also led me to my ex-girlfriend Stephie. While the relationship ultimately did not work out — meeting her at a time when I felt the most “lost” helped me get back on track. I finally was able to center my life on someone who was not just me (although this was also not healthy altogether), and understand what it took to make sacrifices for the sake of a relationship’s success. Being with Stephie made me stronger in many ways: I was more diligent, my grades skyrocketed, I became much more ambitious to create a future I was proud of. I’m grateful for that at a time when I was at my lowest.
As a lead-up to the next section, one of the toughest things I had to go through towards the end of my time in college was deciding whether to stay in the United States or go back to Indonesia. As my ex was American and with dreams to stay there, she could not see Indonesia in any of her future plans. I could imagine her stress and anxiety during those times, where the idea of Indonesia sparked up into my mind quite suddenly, but strongly. It led to uncommunicated bitterness, ultimately causing our relationship to break apart. It was a world of deep heartache. Those close to me in my life at that point (especially my family, Robby, Grant), know how devastating those moments were for me at probably the worst time for one to happen. We broke up during the beginning of COVID, and I was in Chicago still finishing up my degree. Classes were moving remotely, and I was living in a studio apartment in the middle of the city, away from main campus. I was completely alone, trapped in a room with nothing but the loud siren of my dark thoughts. I was helpless.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings. — Psalm 63
But again, God is good. Somehow, in the midst of that darkness, I got the idea to build Cornerstone: an education non-profit centered around helping extremely talented, but underprivileged students in Indonesia unlock access to studying abroad. I used the skills that I had built in my time teaching to build a mentorship program and curriculum. I remember taking an Uber one night after a brainstorming discussion on Cornerstone, and I thought to myself: “Wow. This is the first time I can’t feel the pain.” Through that darkness, God gave a platform for me to build something special. In the middle of COVID, a dark time for everybody, we recruited a team of driven members and built something meaningful completely remotely. Our mentorship program provided free tutoring and helped extremely smart students who previously could not even fathom opportunities to study abroad get into schools like Harvard, Duke, Notre Dame, University of Michigan, Olin College — on near or full scholarships. We helped Indonesian students to access not only dreams but to be able to articulate their stories: with a student like Aaron initially struggling in his essay applications but evolving and digging deep to be able to share his fears of loneliness. The fact that he excelled so deeply in academics through Mathematics Olympiads, but still felt like something was missing: propelling him to seek ways to “give back” through service.
Cornerstone was a platform to do so much good, and to find so much of my God-given strength. I accelerated my ability to lead: to have difficult conversations, to build products from scratch and showcase them to the world. Our platform grew vastly beyond what we had envisioned: to touch hundreds and hundreds more students — growing into a mentorship community to help college students find jobs as well. We ran several Dream Job Bootcamps on the weekends even while I was working at Bain. Cornerstone was one of the deepest blessings in my life, born from a place of pain.
Through Cornerstone, I ended up meeting so many passionate Indonesians. As someone who grew up in Singapore having known barely any Indonesians, this was a complete turn for me. It propelled me to be able to call Indonesia a true “home”, rather than a place of strangers (which I’ll cover in the next section).
“I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God.” Job 19:25-26
There were many other God-driven moments that I could not explain but that changed the trajectory of my life: I was about to take a high-paying job (I even already submitted my notice to my previous job) which effectively more than doubled my salary and turned it down because it did not feel right — leading me to where I am today. I began a relationship and despite the beginning being so tumultuous, we both had the resilience to keep going: leading us to personal revelations and learnings we wouldn’t have had otherwise.
And in this month alone, as I was fundraising for my startup’s pre-seed round, my world suddenly turned upside down with heartbreak and other personal things. Our company needed initial capital to start operations, but we were nearing the end of the year and everyone even seasoned entrepreneurs and investors told us that we were stupid for even trying to raise at a time when everyone is only thinking about their holidays. But God is good. Literally on Christmas day, we signed off on the official documents that mark the fundraising as complete. We will have more than enough capital to really focus fully on our business. Even my relationship, somehow even if it’s not resolved yet, we were able to reconcile and find peace and love in the fact that both of us are focusing our directions on God and surrendering. God is amazing.
All of these moments could not have been coincidences. God literally used my darkest moments and uplifted me to be the person I could be through them. Always.
God led me back to Indonesia: to reconcile and rebuild foundations as the leader of my family
“I hate Indonesia. I don’t want to ever live there, ever.”
This was the sentiment I had about Indonesia when I was young and living in Singapore. Not being fluent in the language, only flying back once or twice a year during Chinese New Years and holidays to see my grandparents without having any friends in the country — I did not feel at home in Indonesia at all. I felt like a total outsider, and I could not ever see myself living here.
This in stark contrast to my sentiments today, where I had just turned down an MBA offer at Kellogg, choosing to stay in Indonesia for the longer term and having built a community of people I know will be life-long friends. I see Indonesia now as my long-term home, which was an impossibility for me to think even a few years back.
Even the idea of coming back to Indonesia came out of nowhere. I did not ever seriously consider it, and was honestly very set on building my career and life in the US. And I knew that I had the credentials to be able to get a solid job there. Somehow, in the one time my parents were visiting me in the US for graduation, my dad had planted the seed that I should reach out to Soegeng: a close family friend who was also a Partner at Bain. At that point in time, there was not much intention. But maybe due to pure curiosity, I reached out and started to learn more about what going back to Indonesia could be like — the depth and importance of the projects that would be done in Indonesia compared to the US. I also happened to meet Victor Hartono, the COO of Djarum, who was a close friend of my mom during his visit to Northwestern. He talked about the potential for deep impact in Indonesia, that there was so much to get done. At the same time, I was taking a course in my free time called Disruptive Innovation where I wrote a thesis on Gojek (warning that their broad focus on a wide-spectrum of business lines would eventually cause its downfall, which was actually eerily true). I noted that one of the founders Nadiem was going to be the Minister of Education. I was now tingling with deep excitement. Indonesia seemed to be a place where potential was still yet to be tapped, where nothing was impossible.
At the same time, the US was also a place of opportunity. With offers in my hand for technology roles in interesting companies, I was torn between staying or leaving. Staying in the US was literally my aspiration for so many years. Why was it now, that at the cusp of my decision to commit to stay, that I was having these thoughts? However, I couldn’t get a thought out of my head: would I regret staying in the US if I hadn’t yet attempted to build up a foundation in Indonesia with my family? I thought about my childhood years and the bitterness and lack of connection I had with my family. My grandparents were only getting older, and I felt so distant from my entire family. If I stayed in the US and pursued a life there, it was unlikely that I would return back anytime soon. After wrestling with these thoughts, I made the decision to commit towards returning back to Indonesia. I needed to rewrite the script of my past.
“Be tolerant with each other and, if someone has a complaint against anyone, forgive each other. As the Lord forgave you, so also forgive each other.” — Colossians 3:13
I came back to Indonesia with a mission to rebuild connection with my family. Who knew that two years later, my grandma would be struck by stomach cancer — a wake-up call to the entire family to start coming together. She recently passed away this November. Had I chose to stay in the US, I would have missed the opportunity to rekindle a cherished relationship with my grandma. Being with my single mom at a point where life seemed to be crumbling apart with the imminent death of my grandma, was also a responsibility I cherished. I enjoyed conversations and connection with my mom that I would not have been able to have otherwise. Surprisingly, I even managed to rekindle a connection with my dad — something I thought was previously impossible. Though it is still not by any means perfect and there are still massive values clashes between us, we are making progress and I can feel much of the bitterness start to dissipate away.
Having the quality time to be able to spend with my mom, I realized one of my other important missions is to also work towards bringing my family closer and closer to God’s kingdom. I realized that my mom genuinely desired to seek God, but did not have the channel to be able to tap into God’s community. Being able to take her to my church for the first time and introducing her to the disciples there — many of whom come from similar struggles: a woman whose husband had passed away and many of whom were divorcees as well — was one the highlights of this year.
And somehow, Indonesia year by year has become a place I’ve realized is home. Previous to coming, it was a no-brainer that I would go back to the US after 3-5 years. I even had been accepted to a deferred MBA program at Kellogg (the Future Leaders Program) that allows one to come back within the span of 3-5 years. Indonesia was meant to be a pit-spot, but God had other plans. I somehow ended up falling in love with this country and realizing that my mission is placed here. I somehow kept finding opportunities I could not turn down here. I thought of going back in 2023, then met founders in the FinTech space I was most interested in, and ended up delaying my start. I thought of going back in 2024, and ended up falling in love with a girl and building my own company — which seal the deal officially. Somehow Indonesia led me to people and a Christian community that I realized I could not live without. When I imagine the future I want to build, and the family I want to build embedded with the values I deem important, the tight-knit bonds with my extended family — I cannot imagine anywhere better than Indonesia to fully build my life in. This is so different than my mindset even a year back (where I even clearly stated that I had no idea whether Indonesia was where I wanted to be long-term).
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. — Proverbs 3:5-6
God built a pathway back to him and his people
“I don’t believe in the church. It’s all about a personal relationship with God anyways.”
Whenever someone would ask me about my Christian belief, just a year back this is what I would have answered. Obviously, it was a complete farce. It was just an excuse for me to not commit to my relationship with God. I wasn’t even building any sort of personal relationship at all. There was even a more sinful time when I would even deny my faith in God, telling people that I grew up but was not Christian. I’m shocked by this past today, but I have to be honest and accountable to this reality.
It’s crazy today that my belief is completely the opposite. I realize that I cannot go through life without the enduring love of God’s community. I was so self-driven, believing that I could control every outcome that came to me. My favorite quote was: “Hard work beats talent when talent does not work hard”. Destiny was in my hands. I would just constantly rely on my own willpower and strength. I would never, ever ask anyone for help for anything — and subconsciously I viewed help as a sign of weakness. But this year taught me that I was actually so weak without God and his community. I was consumed by fear, anxiety, insecurity, and many times even anger. In the midst of all of these deep painful emotions I oftentimes just lashed out and let these emotions overwhelm me. What the world deemed to be healthy outlets: exercise, going out, forgetting, ranting — these were just distractions and the feelings would come rushing back.
It was only a few weeks back, in the midst of deep heartbreak, that God’s community really showed that they were fully there for me. These disciples, with busy lives of their own, spent several full nights with me to just comfort, understand my emotions, and guide me in a way that was not superficial but that confronted my insecurities: the empathetic, loving truths. For the first time in so long, I felt deep love. I also realized that I was so weak without the guidance of those who practiced Godly love. I understood and felt deeply the difference between those who gave advice from a truly Godly perspective versus those who gave advice from a worldly angle. When the world would just tell me to be resentful (“screw them — you deserve to be angry”), God’s community tell us to be patient and to look inwards to center back on God. It was so different than what I was used to, and yet I felt so much more peace. Rather than centering on bitterness, I started centering myself on God’s word. As I ended the yesterday, I did not run to my usual dark thoughts: I instead nourished myself through reading the Bible and sharing my reflections. And it filled me with deep calm.
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. — Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
And I do realize that feeling God’s love can foremost be felt throughly deeply being in communion with his community. After all, most of the things in this world are transient. Think about this: once you’re no longer “useful” to people, the world would oftentimes just separate you apart. You meet people at work, or during hobbies, or during phases of your life like college or high school — and most of the people who were close to you at that point in time are likely further apart today. Once you lose that common thread and interest, it’s natural that you would drift further apart. God’s community is different: our shared love of God is eternal. No matter the differences: whether it’s age, or life interests, or distance, we are bounded by a shared mission and shared values that we internalize and know that we keep each other accountable to. Realizing that I could center my trust and rest on this — it was deeply freeing. Just last week, I was caught in a situation that triggered deep thoughts of doubt in God’s community. After all, Satan is ready to pounce at weakness at every corner.
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. — 1 Peter 5:8
However, being able to rest in the knowledge that God’s love would not forsake me, that it was unlikely that God’s community and disciples would forsake me, and trusting in the values that God has given to them — I found rest and peace. The world might think I’m in “denial”, but my belief in God is greater than that, and I choose to trust and have faith in truth through God rather than through the world.
It’s quite insane to me to be in this position today: from a very self-driven person who desired to control the outcomes of whatever came my way, who denied the importance of being centered on God’s community. But God seemed to be there to guide me back to him, giving me the opportunities to see and find Him again. Somehow, God introduced me to Daphne last year who happened to go to the church I attend now. And somehow, I ended up dating a girl who also went to the same church and who I decided to follow. Somehow, despite the fact that the church was so busy with newcomers, they managed to find a personal slot for me to do weekly bible studies with disciples much older than me, with kids and busy lives, to dedicate hours of their weekday evenings to help me grow. All this while God was setting the foundations for me to be able to find Him again. Against all odds, I found myself back to his kingdom.
God has shown me that pursuing him is the key to everything
“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? — Matthew 6:24-26
God has taught me that life, and all blessings, flow completely from Him. For the past few years, I consumed myself in working towards worldly objectives: I was so passionate and driven to achieve in my professional life, I was so driven to fulfill worldly relationship standards and that was all I was chasing after. But God has enlightened me that none of those really matter, if it’s not in the service of a larger purpose to serve and further God’s kingdom.
Relative to my age, I’ve been offered opportunities that are much more professionally forward than my peers. But does that really matter, when you sit on the patio — realizing that you’re so distant from community, family, and God? Especially in 2022 when I was so distant from my relationships and focused solely on professional achievement: I felt so deeply lonely and out of touch. I was looking to “win”, but to what purpose? At the end of the day the only person that cared was me. I was seeking to benefit nobody else but me. Life’s purpose was unclear.
This distance from God I noticed markedly this year, as I was attempting to build a romantic relationship. No matter how much I tried to solve problems using my own will, I couldn’t. I let self-righteousness, anger, resentment build up and I couldn’t let these feelings go — leading to a downwards spiral of our relationship. No matter what I thought I was capable of, I realized directing my life through my own abilities would not get me anywhere I wanted to be.
And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” — Matthew 3:17
Godly love is so different than that of worldly standards. He literally gave up his Son, who he loved so deeply, to die on the cross — humiliated, taunted, aggravated — to save us from our sins. Jesus himself cried out in agony during when he was being hurt: “My God why have you forsaken me (Psalm 22)” yet his enduring love for us kept him going, to be pinned on the cross and left to die. I’ve started to understand that observing and imitating Godly love is the only, true way for us to build relationships that are centered on pure and unconditional love. And sometimes, counter to what the world tell us, love sometimes involves letting go as God did to Jesus, so that a greater purpose can be unfolded in the lives of those we love.
Awareness of my weaknesses has led me to really rethink how life should work from a first principles basis. To not just focus on forcing my own victories, but to build the foundations that allow me to center on God first and foremost. Everything else will follow as a result of that. This is so counter, again, to what the world believes: that a straight line to your destination (focusing fully on either work, or solving your relationship, or success, or fame) will be the fastest way there. God tells us otherwise. Focusing our full hearts on God first will allow us to bear fruit in every direction of our life. These are the foundations for everything.
In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! — Hebrews 5:11
God has given me the skills to further his kingdom. It’s my deepest mission on Earth
Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” — Matthew 28
Finally, my biggest realization is that I was put on this Earth for a reason. My birth was not a coincidence, and God has commissioned me and blessed me with specific skills and experiences that allow me to champion his good to the world.
I’ve realized that the challenges I’ve experienced are all things that can be used to inspire and motivate others to uplift their lives in service of God. No matter how hard things can get (and I’ve seen true darkness), you can find your way out. Adversity has bred deep resilience. And the best direction is not to force it out by oneself, but to rely on God and his people. To rest and to trust that they will be a guiding force for you. If I had know this earlier, I could have saved so much pain and hurt.
Somehow, God has also granted me the ability to lead and to create. To paint a vision and to act upon it. This gift has allowed me to be an entrepreneur, focusing my life on building a mission to further the good in the world in a deep way. Not just for personal aims, but for deep good. For me, those missions have been centered on equity: in the past focused on educational equity, now on financial equity.
And somehow, God has given me the ability to write and to be able to share my emotions in a vulnerable way. Words just flow out of my hands. I listen to my heart, and the thoughts fill the screen in smooth harmony. Somehow, I hope that this gift can be of use to others. And so, I write this piece, mostly for me but potentially for another person looking to seek God as well. I know that following God has been absolutely the best decision I’ve made in my life. And I know that with him as a foundation, everything else will follow.
I enter into 2024 in probably the most uncertain state of my life. I’m a full-time entrepreneur tackling my first venture, my romantic relationship is on a worldly limbo, and I’ve just decided to commit myself to a lifelong journey in Indonesia — turning down my one safety net back to the US which was my MBA. It’s quite crazy, but I know that with God all things are possible. I surrender my life to God, and I know that He will provide immeasurable fruit for me. I hope you can do the same.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. — Galatians 2:20
Thanks for sharing Nate! Keep it up