Vulnerable reflections after returning to Indonesia as an Indonesian after 15+ years

The greats, the uglies, the in-betweens. There's more than meets the eye when it comes terms to moving countries.

Background (About me, why I moved back)

For a little bit of context — I’m an Indonesian who has lived abroad for the majority (15+ years) of my life. I was born in Jakarta, but moved to Singapore when I was 9 due to my sister’s medical condition. I then pursued my undergraduate degree in the United States at Northwestern University.

This may not be true for others — but although I was an Indonesian citizen, I never really formed strong Indonesian roots, if at all. I never really felt Indonesian. I barely understood the language, much less have comfort in speaking Bahasa Indonesia. Growing up in Singapore and then going to Northwestern, where I wasn’t exposed to a large Indonesian community — I didn’t have many friends (zero close friends) who were Indonesian. I wasn’t trying to avoid Indonesia (in physical and metaphysical forms) in any intentional way, it was just that life’s natural rhythm did not provide me easy access to Indonesia. To many Indonesians, I was “bule-fied”.

To most, then, it would have been a surprise that in November of 2020, I signed a job offer at Bain that would take me back to Indonesia after 15+ years living abroad. I can try to as systematic as possible in highlighting the reasons “why” (and I do below), but looking back it genuinely just felt right. But it wasn’t anything but easy — I had to give up what I knew of my life “thus far”: a culture in the US I had already assimilated into, having my best friends be near me (instead of a ~20 hour flight away), a serious relationship at the time, attractive career opportunities in tech. In fact, this tug and pull was probably one of the toughest decision points I ever had to face in my life.

But looking back, perhaps one of the strongest factors that led me to making the decision to come back came down to something simple. I felt that if I had chosen to stay in the United States — it was unlikely that I would come back to Indonesia in the mid to long-term, and have the opportunity to really develop roots in Indonesia (ever). I would likely be comfortable living in the US, waiting for a green-card approval — and there would never really be any meaningful push factors later when life was more “set” for me to desire to go back. And after weeks of internal dialogue, it clicked that I would regret that. I would regret it — when coming “home”, home does not feel like home. It already felt that way, and it was the reason why I rarely came home to Indonesia (even during holidays) besides to see family. Holding that feeling — a feeling that just felt so, so, so right — I signed the offer and didn’t look back.

Beyond that most powerful reason, coming back to Indonesia was also an intentional decision founded upon multiple factors most significantly including:

• Being able to deeply understand on-the-ground context. For example, in the education sector — to be able to develop radical empathy for students, teachers, and important educational stakeholders (parents, communities, administrators, policymakers) in an educational system I personally did not grow up in (having grown up in Singapore and the United States)

• Being able to fast-track my entrepreneurial skills and tap into asymmetric opportunities by being able to “build and live without limitations”; many international students vying to live in the United States are encumbered with the instability of visa procedures — reducing their inherent ability to take risk multiple-fold. As a builder, I wanted to be able to build in any way I imagined. Additionally, the most important thing in entrepreneurship / systemic impact is to have empathy beyond your “bubble”. Regardless of where I am long-term, I wanted the optionality of being able to really understand Indonesia beyond just the glitzy, study-abroad community (way easier when you’re younger) in order to potentially build an entrepreneurial career here long-term.

• Building relationships with Indonesians; again, having grown up abroad, I never really had much of an Indonesian community throughout my life; in Singapore, I was one of a handful of Indonesians in my grade, and when I studied at Northwestern, I was one of four Indonesians in my batch (guess the Midwest isn’t that popular of a destination). Growing up, I hated not having friends here when I visited my grandparents for Chinese New Year. It was time to change this.

That is to say — my reasons for coming back to Indonesia weren’t exactly the typical things people say when returning. I love my family, and it’s a great pro of returning to Asia, but being closer to them wasn’t the only factor in the decision. My parents are divorced; my mom lives in Singapore and my dad lives in Indonesia. I live alone — which most Indonesian kids coming back don’t do. Not getting a job in the United States was not really my situation as well — as I held offers in tech that, all things considered, probably would have had higher salary upsides in the short-mid term. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a Jesse Choi x Maudy love story either.

I say all of this in order to make the point that the vantage point I hold in assessing and reflecting on my time in Indonesia is probably pretty unique. Like many Indonesians, it’s a decision that’s pretty “set in stone”. I’m not a citizen or permanent resident anywhere else and so I have to live with this decision. It’s not something that’s exactly “easily escapable”. At the same time, because it was an intentional decision rather than a move out of necessity, I don’t hold any accountability (whether potential happiness or resentment) to the world or to anyone else — enabling me to have a clearer, more objective view of the pros and cons of living here. In this article — I want to go over some reflections I’ve had from 2 years of living in Indonesia, and what I’ve learnt from the journey thus far.

Reflection #1: Living in the middle of two worlds — the insecurity of not belonging, and how I try to overcome it

“Don’t worry — I understand Indonesian fully. I’m a little bit insecure about speaking the language and I’m still learning, but I do understand all of what you all are saying so please don’t feel a need to adapt to me!”

These conversations tend to happen a lot. Because I’m exposed to a lot of Indonesian (taking language classes intensively, working in the Indonesian GovTech that predominantly uses Indonesian to converse, obviously also growing up hearing my parents speak some conversational Indonesian) — I would say I’m 80-90% fluent with being able to at least be able to understand the day-to-day, even in a professional setting. However, my speaking skills are still pretty rough (“kaku” if you will). I can definitely speak to get around, but people immediately notice I’m “not fully Indonesian”. What this results in is that I’m perceived as the “bottleneck” (consciously, or subconsciously) to speak Indonesian in social or professional group settings. When I enter a metaphorical room, people tend to switch to English to cater for me.

It might seem trivial — but the other way to look at it is that language is only the “frontend” layer for the soul. People use language as a tool to communicate their emotions, their nuanced perspectives, their whole beings. My insecurity used to, and still does on occasion, stem from the fear that others subconsciously would not fully trust or open up to me. It’s both a social fear and a professional fear. Socially, I sometimes fear being the “other”. And professionally, I sometimes fear that this perception leads to lessened collaboration between the team. Especially given the role of a product manager is so cross-functional in nature, amplified by the fact that I work in a culturally Indonesian-speaking organization — I sometimes fear that my lack of ability to fully engage in the language results in me not being able to build as much empathy or rapport as I would want to with other team members. I sometimes fear that I take up too much space, or are somehow burdening others.

Language serves as a metaphor — but it’s also more than that. It’s about culture, similar childhoods, communities, jokes, memories that people share with one another. Things that are hard for me to relate to. And yet, these are similar feelings I’ve had before. I remember intensely going to my first “football watch party” in a fraternity (of all places) my first month in the United States. While people were talking about tactics, this or that route, and chanting collegiate cheers — I was just nodding my head, pretending like I understood, and trying to weave gently into conversations. But four years later, I’d like to think I got the hang of it, football conversations or otherwise. It’s a positive reminder to know that it’s not impossible to do so.

I’m not Indonesian enough to be fully Indonesian, and I’m not foreign enough to be a foreigner. I live in the middle of two worlds — understanding, yet having difficulty fully integrating into the worlds. It’s tough at times, but I try to adopt a mindset where it’s my responsibility to find and act on ways to overcome this, including:

• Taking the time to learn: I spent 3 hours a week taking Indonesian language and culture classes (where I’m exposed to not only learning the language — but also things like history and politics), and spend time learning about Indonesia’s nuances. A book I found helpful was A Brief History to Indonesia — which summarizes Indonesia’s epochs in a concise, fun, and accessible way. Beyond the formal, I add Indonesian music to my Spotify playlists, and intentionally try to consume Indonesian media in place of Western ones (let’s say putting Gita's Endgame in my morning podcast rotation).

• Being open and vulnerable about the fact that I’m still learning: I try to be extremely upfront to people that I am currently learning Indonesian and its nuances, that I can understand the language, and that I want them to speak Indonesian to me / not filter who they are for my ease or “benefit”.

• Saying “yes” to more things: This is a perfect segue to the next reflection point, but one of the best ways I’ve found to overcome being in the “middle” is to just say yes to more things and to push myself to get into more spaces where I’m exposed to Indonesia. Similar to how, as an international student in the US, joining a fraternity and the cheerleading team (talk about saying “yes” to crazy things) made me assimilate super fast to American culture — taking the leap to say yes to more things, even if uncomfortable or foreign, has been a huge benefit in overcoming this barrier.

Reflection #2: A bubble exists, if you let it exist

“You graduate from the US. You come back to Indonesia and join a multinational company. The multinational company is filled mostly with other international graduates, coming from similar backgrounds — socioeconomically, racially, and otherwise. This becomes your social circle. Most likely, you will marry into this circle, and the cycle continues. It’s a bubble.” — a snippet of a conversation I had with a friend, while we were in management consulting together.

The above conversation is overly generalized — but it’s also not difficult to imagine to be accurate in spirit. Humans bond over shared experiences and commonalities, and so it’s very common to see these bubbles form. It’s not limited to Indonesia, and exists literally everywhere (e.g. the US tech bro / VC bubble, the student athletes, racial communities, etc.). It’s important to note that bubbles are not necessarily a BAD thing in moderation (you feel at home and understood), but they can lead to echo chambers of perspectives, and in the case of entrepreneurship and product (the realm I reside in), bubbles are dangerous because they can lead you to potential biases on one hand, and missing potentially amazing opportunities on the other.

The “bubble” that existed the most apparently for me — starting my career off in Bain — was very much (to again, OVERLY generalize) the bubble of predominantly Chinese Indonesians, who studied abroad for university, who likely highly valued prestigious career paths (that is to say — also value risk-management vs. risk-taking), and viewed the world in similar ways / had similar conversations on the dinner table. In more than one way, my own personal identity is representative of this bubble. And it’s important to note — again — that this is just one of the many bubbles in society that exist. It was just a predominantly strong one that I was exposed to.

It’s very easy to continue being in your bubbles. It’s comfortable. Your viewpoints are validated. There’s no “push factor” if you will — of leaving the bubble. However, as I mentioned above, bubbles can be dangerous because they can lead to biases / echo chambers, and might stop you from seeing opportunities outside of the bubble.

This is why — for me — intentionally stepping out of the bubble is of utmost importance. Above all, it’s also the reason I came back to Indonesia in the first place — to be exposed and to embrace different perspectives. There are 3 ways I do this:

1. Through how I intentionally spend my “free time”: For the past 2+ years, I have spent a significant amount of my time building an education non-profit called Cornerstone Careers that builds bootcamp-styled programs for Indonesian university students to aid in job-search and soft-skills development. Given our mission of leveling the playing field of early-careers for Indonesian students — regardless of background — our team is naturally filled with people from diverse backgrounds. The students we work with are from across Indonesia, from 50+ universities, with diverse aspirations to become lawyers, engineers, entrepreneurs, food scientists, you name it. Intentionally choosing to prioritize my time with this community has exposed me differentially to new people, stories, and perspectives.

2. Through how I intentionally make my career choices: Back to the point where being in a “bubble” is easy — the choice to stay at Bain would be an easy decision not only because it was a great job, but because it was filled with people I was used to interacting with. The next easiest choices for me was to accept the choices of working at Grab / Shopee (internationally-cultured startups), or accepting a job in venture capital — both of which, while would take me a bit outside of the bubble I was used to, would not be a massive step-change. The hardest choice was to take the job at GovTech Edu — which would require me to operate in a job that had Indonesian as the day-to-day language, that would expose me to people and professionals (e.g. government/policy people) who likely had a different background than myself, and required me to learn about the nuances of the Indonesian education system which I didn’t even grow up in. It would be a difficult choice, but taking the job at GovTech — looking back — is easily one of the best decisions I’ve made yet as I’ve been growing and learning in unprecedented ways, with some of the smartest and most entrepreneurial people I’ve ever met.

3. Through the people I hang out with outside of work: Bubbles, are again, easy to be in because it’s very organic. You’re likely to be exposed to the same people just by being present in the day to day. Again, it’s not a bad thing, but for me — it’s important to be mindful of this. I personally try to have a diverse social group through venturing out of my “comfort zone”. It’s similar to the point I made above of saying “yes” to more things — but I’ll push myself to meet and hang out with people whose lives and stories are different than my own. Whether it’s asking for introductions through mutual friends, inviting people over for dinner, or joining activities like badminton or weightlifting — this is something that can be intentionally built.

Once you get out of the bubble, staying outside of it becomes easier as you’ve done two things: (1) you’ve built up relationships and networks outside of your comfort zone, and (2) your view of the world becomes more radically empathetic (making you someone that is able to have dialogues across groups). You just have to push yourself to do this.

Reflection #3: Genuinely caring, impact-minded communities

“[On Cornerstone — my education non-profit] We tried making this type of program in Singapore, but it didn’t work out. It’s surprising to me that you have created a program where 100+ mentors are willing to help students free of charge. In Singapore, mentors we tried to recruit always tried to ask for financial compensation.” — a friend who is currently building a talent / career startup in Southeast Asia

One of the most amazing things about being in Indonesia is simply just being an environment that deeply values people helping and supporting one another — coined in a phrase called “gotong royong”. As stated in the above conversation, my friend (who tried to build a similar program in Singapore) was genuinely surprised that my non-profit was able to build a pretty big network of mentors for our programs who were incentivized not by money — but by pure passion and desire to help students in their career journeys. In fact, one mentor literally told me that they would not partake in a program IF there was a financial reward.

I see this literally everywhere I am in Indonesia: people are genuinely driven to be there for others. My friend Reynaldi dedicates his time to 2 mentorship programs (in Internnet and Cornerstone — two non-profits), my buddies are building impact networks (e.g. Spark), running a variety of non-profits outside of their full-time jobs (e.g. Solar Chapter), my colleagues have quit prestigious startup and consulting jobs to join an experimental GovTech effort, and even in the formal workplace — are always willing to be a helping hand to others.

It’s inspiring to be part of a culture like this, and I can truly say it’s one of the reasons I am motivated to continually invest my time in the collective. Nassim Taleb, in Skin in the Game, has a section of the book talking about how “ethics do not scale well to the collective” because the collective is “too theoretical”. In Indonesia, the collective is tangible and part of our way of living. I, and others, deeply care about the collective and we will drive our time to build for the public good, because it’s a real part of why we do what we do.

Reflection #4: Asymmetric career opportunities exist — but will require intentional hustle

Many people say Indonesia is the “place to be”. It’s a land with a myriad of untapped opportunities to create significant impact and to generate massive financial wealth. “There’s so much you can change! And good talent is harder to come by!” is the often cited sentiment that people say.

Well — thinking about this theoretically and just talking is MUCH easier than actually doing. And I do have the right to say this because I am an entrepreneur (even if still early in my lifecycle as one), and have seen how hard it is to actually build products, scale an organization, and grow in the market. That is to say — YES, Indonesia has a ton of interesting opportunities (entrepreneurial or otherwise) — BUT, it’s not going to be handed to you on a silver platter. You have to seize them. The point about talent is also in my mind, pretty BS, because there’s a ton of crazy smart, and hungry people here (this viewpoint normally comes from people that haven’t taken the time or given the effort to be able to see this). Your Ivy League degree isn’t going to suddenly make you successful just by going back.

There’s 4 ways I’ve found to “hustle” effectively:

1. To work hard: There’s no way out of it! Many times — the opportunities that I’ve been able to seize have just come across because I was willing to work harder than others, or prove that I had the ability to grind.

2. To build specific knowledge: The way I look at it — you can either be someone who expects school or company brand prestige to carry you , or be someone that people want because of specific skills that you hold. Personally, I’d ALWAYS opt for the latter, and in fact will pretty much only take opportunities where this is the case. My experience building an education non-profit led to specific knowledge I take to my current “dream job” at GovTech Edu, and my investment in deeply understanding the crypto space, and writing about it through my Substack, has led me to other opportunities (in fact, a project I finished recently, I got solely because the founders loved the article I wrote breaking down the crypto space in detail). I’m a believer that it’s not “working too hard” that will burn you out, but it’s “working on things you don’t care about” that will even more. That’s why the things I build knowledge on (e.g. product, education, FinTech, crypto) are all things I deeply care about, and can spend hours and hours of my free time on without even getting taxed.

3. Not being afraid to ask for opportunities, and also to help others get to where they want to be: I am upfront in stating how I want to grow to my supervisors, and in parallel always try to help others reach their goals (again, most times not even in transactional ways). These conversations have led me to be able to shape my role at GovTech in a way extremely aligned to my desired growth path. However, at the same time: this is really only possible if people really trust you (which comes to the first two points above on working hard and developing specific knowledge).

4. Meeting as many people as you can (and not just for a tactical reason): The more people you meet, the more things you’ll expose yourself to asymmetric opportunities. For example, I only spotted GovTech because I messaged my current “boss” on LinkedIn (not even knowing that he was transitioning to be an executive in GovTech). I was only able to build Cornerstone and the initial team because I was unafraid of cold-messaging / calling about 200 Indonesian students on LinkedIn when we were initially building the team.

In the past ~2 years working in Indonesia, I’ve come across and seized opportunities I would have never thought I would find until much later — just as a byproduct of intentionally hustling in a massively growing region.

Reflection #5: Long-run wealth creation in Indonesia vs. US for international students (answer: it depends)

If your goal is purely to maximize financial outcomes (provided you’re an international student) without consideration for other factors — should you reside in the US or Indonesia if you have the choice? Obviously, I’m still in my early career and have a lot to grow into, but I can offer my perspective from my experience making the dough here vs. how it is in the US (based on my friends’ experiences). I’ll offer some scenarios to think about (not mutually exclusive, nor comprehensively exhaustive):

1. You’re in a technical career path in software (e.g. software engineering, data): In most cases, it’s probably best to get some work experience in the US. There’s great engineering talent here, but the US is just a bit more mature, and hiring managers tend to really value foreign brand names in these technical jobs (e.g. my friend who worked in Amazon as a software engineer catapulted to a lead role immediately after coming back). This equally applies if you desire to be in a role that’s not necessarily engineering, but values an edge in the technical side (e.g. specialized PM’s in sectors like AI, crypto, data). The reality is that the US also pays a lot more for engineering talent (not unheard of to hear people 1-2 years out of school making all-in salaries in the $200-300K range), and it’s unlikely to fully go away even in a sour market.

2. You want to go into a more traditional career path (e.g. consulting, banking): My answer here based on my experience working at Bain — is that it depends on your interest in certain sectors. The pay grades would be similar (taking into account living costs), talent would be high-caliber in both geographies, but consulting in Indonesia is highly weighed towards industries like banking, industrials, and natural resources. I’m sure in the US that it also depends on where you reside (e.g. weighed more heavily towards tech in SF). My suggestion is that people looking to work in these traditional career paths is to not just assume that these companies are “the same”, and to actually deeply research and select an office based on your interest levels in certain sectors. In banking, for example, being in NY might expose you to cutting edge deep-tech FinTech deals, which might not be the case anywhere else.

3. You want to be entrepreneurial: Entrepreneurship and building products is highly centered on exploiting in-ground knowledge. There’s not really a substitute for that. In these cases — you do need to spend a substantial amount of time in whatever country you’re building in. It’s a lot more than just creating a software product, but in most cases you have to understand elements like consumer behavior, regulatory landscape, competitive factors. Running your own business is also risky wherever you are — but the ability to get funding in Indonesia / Southeast Asia is also quite accessible now, with a multitude of local and international funds investing in the region. The world, and network of startups also “feels smaller” in Indonesia, which allows you to make connections and find interesting opportunities in every corner. In contrast, being an international student in the US comes with certain cons — one of which is the “lack of flexibility” due to the visa status. If you’re trying to stay there for a longer period of time, there’s a certain necessity to play it safe in order to get the visa (which also then impedes your ability to take certain risks you can in Indonesia). It’s not impossible to do in the US, but it’s just harder. There’s no clear answer — but you have to weigh the trade-offs. For me, coming to Indonesia was so worth it for this aspect (even if I end up going abroad for some time in the middle).

It’s unlikely that financial reasons will be the only vector in decision-making — but I hope these perspectives I’ve been exposed to can help illuminate some factors.

Reflection #6 / Conclusion: We’re all humans at the end of the day

Perhaps the biggest realization of moving back to Indonesia— even when talking about bubbles, cultural and linguistic differences, whatever — is that we’re all human at the end of the day. This is probably my cheesiest realization, but it’s a profound one personally.

We all face similar insecurities. We all love, feel anger, feel sadness, feel joy, feel envy, show compassion, and all of the other emotions that make us human. Even if our outer selves reflect these in different ways — the foundations are still the same.

When I look at life this way, the barriers / fear that prevent from interacting with others, or the fear we have when exposing ourselves to new things, dissipates (even if not fully).

I’ve felt so deeply grateful and fortunate to have moved to Indonesia. The past 2 years have been a time where I’ve been blessed by amazing relationships with people I’m constantly inspired and motivated by, and a time when I’ve been able to make decisions and seize opportunities that deeply align with my values and goals.

“Are you going to stay here for the long term?” is a question I probably cannot answer yet. I can’t envision sending my kids to Canisius or Santa Laurensia the way that my friends already can plot out — but I do know that I’ll cherish every step of my time here, and regardless of where life takes me, know that it’ll always be a part of my life that has and will shape me to be the person I am.